The following is the opinion of the poster and does not necessarily represent the views of moonhowlings.net administration. MH
Guest post from Colonel Morris Davis:
The only pledge a candidate for public office should make is one that reads something like:
“I, _________________, pledge to represent the interests of my constituents and my country to the best of my ability and without regard to my personal enrichment or the impact on my chances of getting elected to an even higher office.”
Instead, just about every interest group has a very specific litmus test candidates must pass or a long laundry list of positions on issues they demand a candidate swear to oppose or support in order to secure their seal of approval. The absurdity of some of these things gained notoriety when Republican presidential candidates Michele Bachmann and Rick Santorum signed a pledge that, among a list of rather extreme positions, noted the positive family-values impact slavery had on African-American children in the pre-Civil War days. Many were shocked to hear that there was a silver lining hiding inside the dark cloud of slavery. Who knew?
Why not just cut through the bull and start telling it like it is? The commitments expected from the two extremes seem to go something like this.
The Liberal Pledge: I will support the liberal tradition of not being able to make a decision about anything. For example, if we are offered a free lunch, given only two restaurants to choose from, and provided menus a week in advance, we’ll stand in the lobby arguing over chicken fried chicken or sushi until lunchtime is over and we have to go back to our offices pissed off and hungry.
I will never vote to put anyone in a liberal leadership position if he or she has a shred of charisma. I will only vote for a leader who (1) has a tone of voice that induces narcolepsy in insomniacs or (2) a pitch that is similar to long fingernails raked slowly across a chalkboard. Why choose leaders that are likeable when you can have ones that cause people to fall asleep or cringe?
I will pretend that my Blue Dog “colleagues” are actually on our team even though it seems a lot like allowing an opponent to have a player in the huddle when we’re calling our plays.
I will comment frequently on how in touch I am with ordinary people, which of course I am. There are always a ton of ordinary people at my fundraisers. They put up the tents, park the cars, schlep the drinks, and bus the tables for my liberal elite fat-cat donors … and they do a nice job, so I am comfortable praising the hard work of ordinary Americans.
I will support free hand sanitizer for elected officials in case we ever actually touch an ordinary American – who knows where those people might have been and whether they wash their hands.
The Conservative Pledge: I acknowledge that prior to January 20, 2009, Satan was the greatest evil the world had ever known.
I will defend the Constitution and the Bible as literal documents that are unchanging for all time. History, on the other, I believe is subject to being fine-tuned on Wikipedia by my supporters if the truth interferes with my narrative or I just blurt out something really stupid that makes me sound like a total dolt.
I support freedom of religion. People are free to choose anywhere along the spectrum from Baptist to Presbyterian. There are a few other so-called religions I will publicly tolerate and promise not to joke about except to people I know and trust not to forward my emails. I agree with Herman Cain about Muslims, except for the one that owns a big chunk of Fox News (or as I call FNC, the Good Lord’s megaphone).
I will never yield on the right to bear arms, including guns in public schools (the fact my kids are home-schooled is immaterial to my belief), although guns should not be allowed in public buildings if elected officials are present. Guns are fine in your workplace, but not mine.
I will stand up for the people … and some of the finest people I know are large corporations.
I will defend the right to free speech. That includes the sage Supreme Court decision that money is a highly cherished form of speech. I am particularly moved by the lovely voices of corporations; in fact, donations to my campaign from the firearms industry sound like a choir of angels.
I acknowledge that Glenn Beck is the greatest intellectual in modern America. The fact he only has a high school diploma is indisputable proof that post-secondary education is unnecessary and that public universities represent wasteful government spending.
I recognize that it is wrong to worship anyone or anything other than God. Therefore, I only display fawning adulation for Sarah Palin and reject any suggestion that my blind devotion rises to the level of worship. I will applaud wildly when she holds up her superior family values and shakes them in faces of the Godless liberals and I will pretend not to notice when some unseemly incident happens that causes her family values to fall down around her ankles, metaphorically speaking, and makes her appear to be a big old hypocrite. I will never question why her movie is called The Undefeated when she was defeated in 2008 and just up and quit prematurely in 2009.
I know that the Koch brothers were not among our Founding Fathers. They are our Funding Fathers.
I pledge that if there is an opportunity to start a new movement at some point in the future I will Google any proposed name for said movement and subject it to the Vitter-blush test (if saying the words make Vitter blush it’s a bad choice) to ensure there is no deviant subtext to the title that may prove embarrassing.
Follow Morris Davis on Twitter: www.twitter.com/RetiredVeteran
It makes the rational person wonder how a man’s mind can become so twisted. It is as if StarryFlights went to writer’s camp and learned how to express himself.
And the shameful part is this drivel is posted here as if it flowed from some celebrity. But I suppose “shameful” only applies to those who can experience shame.
Too funny, Moe. I can see neither side is sacrosanct. Good job and thanks for sharing.
@Slowpoke Rodriguez
Perhaps the shameful part is that I allow you, Slowpoke, to post drivel and to insult people.
You could look at it that way, that is true. Only problem is…..I’m right.
@slowpoke, only in your own mind. You are not allowed to insult people here. Argue the issues. No ad hominem attacks.
slowpoke,
nah, you are wrong, and what is the worst part is that Moe does justice to the extremes on both sides. I guess when you fall into the extreme of one side or the other, you are unable to see, even, yourself.
Slow – You’re right?” Of what? Is there really anything to the right of you? I understand your earlier comment on the Allen West’s tweet saying if Reid, Pelosi and Obama hate the Boehner plan it must be perfect. You said they are a good reverse barometer and if they don’t like it that means it’s a good thing. Causing you to poke your head out of your mouse hole says the same to me. Thanks for the endorsement.
FNC the “Good Lord’s megaphone” hahahaha I’m stealing that.
Argue the issues?
Did you even read the thing?
What “issues” would we be arguing here?
Slowpoke, I was speaking generally about your MO here, not just your response to this article by Moe Davis.
Nothing unfair about that. You’re quite welcome!
Shared your piece with my husband and he loved it!!! He suggests that you send it to WaPo as an opinion piece. Btw, I loved it as well!
I have to add, that acquiring HuffPo has done wonders for AOL stock. 🙂
I just want to go on record as saying the fact AOL’s stock dropped 5.2% today is pure coincidence.
Uh-huh. Sure.
Slow,
You are especially cranky, you usually have a better sense of humor, I”m quite disappointed in you actually.
slow,
are you incapable of acknowledging that the TEA party rhetoric and inability to compromise is not screwing Americans?
I will never yield on the right to bear arms, including guns in public schools (the fact my kids are home-schooled is immaterial to my belief), although guns should not be allowed in public buildings if elected officials are present. Guns are fine in your workplace, but not mine.
As an unabashed conservative/libertarian type…I found it funny.
BUT, the above is not true…. Virginia allows firearms in public buildings where politicians are present….and I don’t mind firearms in my workplace. I’m still working on the idea of arming teachers since I’ve met most of my daughter’s teachers…I’m not so sure I want them armed…..but allowing ME in there while carrying would definitely simplify things. THAT would, OF COURSE, be perfectly fine.
If I were a teacher and some parent started talking to me about arming myself in the classroom I would call security so fast that person’s head would spin.
The problem with allowing anyone in a building armed is, everyone thinks THEY are sane. School personnel doesn’t. They have a responsibility to keep everyone safe. Guns, knives and other weapons do not belong in public school. Private schools may do what they want.
@Cargo 😉
@Elena
The TEA Party rhetoric?
Is it the Tea Party that, during the “debates” during the few last bills, stated that unless these bills were passed, the country would be destroyed? So to speak…
I mean, who said, “Never let a crisis go to waste.”?
And I see a whole bunch of non-compromise on ALL sides. Instead of debate and a vote, Reid used a procedural vote and tabled the Balance bill. And Obama has vowed to veto ANYTHING that does not extend the debt limit past election season since HE doesn’t want it brought up while defending his record. And some parts of the GOP refuse to unite with other parts….God forbid we actually cut spending.
So, its not JUST the Tea Party rhetoric. The Tea Party is a REACTION to the “business as usual” Congress that has brought us to this brink because they refused to tackle these issues…ever.
Why don’t we do a short term raise in the limit, and over the next few months, actually debate in Congress, a way out of this mess?
It isn’t good for anyone to be dealing with debt ceiling wars while attempting to campaign. Now how would anyone get that accomplished if they had be voting every second. The Prez isn’t the only one who will be running for re-election. All of congress will be and so will 1/3 of the Senate.
And Ron Emmanual made the crisis comment.
John Bohner is coming out being the sympathetic person in all of this. He is having to deal with D’s and TPs.
Meanwhile, back to Moe’s straight skinny. I am still waiting for his Clacket song.
@Moon-howler
That was my point. We REALLY need punctuation for sarcasm….
School personnel doesn’t. They have a responsibility to keep everyone safe.
Maybe armed security if we don’t want anyone carrying concealed?
I don’t have a problem with people needing to do their jobs while campaigning. If its too hard to do, maybe they need a new job.
You’re joking, right?
Can one imagine if teachers were armed? At a staff meeting? (sarcasm alert)
Bwwaahahahahahaha. No.
What?
Are you implying that teachers aren’t the calm, mature, sensible adults that they are touted to be?