Subject: red states – blue states [sarcasm button on]
Dear Red States,
We’re ticked off at your Neanderthal attitudes and politics and we’ve decided we’re leaving.
We in New York intend to form our own country and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
In case you aren’t aware that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the rest of the Northeast.
We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation and especially to the people of the new country of The Enlightened States of America (E.S.A).
To sum up briefly:
We get stem cell research and the best beaches. You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
We get Andrew Cuomo and Elizabeth Warren. You get Bobby Jindal and Todd Akin.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
We get two-thirds of the tax revenue. You get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
With the Blue States in hand we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 92% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95% of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the US low sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans and their projected health care costs, 92% of all US mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals than we lefties.
We’re taking the good weed too. You can have that crap they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Citizen of the Enlightened States of America
I forgot to mention that this JOKE was sent to me in email. I do not know its source. The pic was swiped from elsewhere.
Lol! Lot of true in that!
If only this could be true! I’m thinking you can take New York with you.
New York apparently is leading the charge, O literacy challenged one.
Cute cut & paste joke though!!
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
This might keep me laughing through the election.
WOOHOO! Civil war! Let’s kick this pig!!
We also get to keep the US dollar. The rest of you can trade pigs’ ears or something.
Bwwwaaahahahahahahaha
I guess confederate notes are out?
You’ve got Detroit, LA, NYC, Philadelphia, DC, and WE’VE got single moms? Yeah, Right.
@SlowpokeRodriguez
I know that’s not really a fair exchange. But you get Selma!
79.5% of custodial single mothers are gainfully employed
49.8% work full time, year round
29.7% work part-time or part-year
And just over 50% of custodial mothers were due child support at the close of 2009.
That doesn’t surprise me at all. The single mothers I know well have NEVER gotten child support.
They have done it all themselves.
I will trade single mothers for Detroit? How about that?
I would also prefer to keep bird dogs with the blue states.
Speaking of the literacy club…I misspelled seceding. Sorry about that.
Take Detroit. Good sports – concessions.
Dear Red States… We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us.
Hot Damn. Thanks. You’re like people who have stayed long after the rest of the party goers have gone home. We’ve been hoping you’d finally leave, but we’re too polite to simply throw you out.
In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
Well, actually, Minnesota, Michigan, Wisconsin and Washington are typically considered “swing states”, but you can have them. Congratulations. You got two states too cold to live in, a failing automotive industry, and Washington.
As for the beaches, we got the entire gulf coast and the Atlantic up to North Carolina. You got the rocky coast of the northwest and the Jersey Shore (whose tourism board just recently announced their new slogan “Guidos in Speedos”). Again. Congrats.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss. We get 85 percent of America ‘s venture capital and entrepreneurs.
I don’t mean to quibble with your argument, but Bank of America is the nation’s largest and one of the few solvent banks. It’s located in North Carolina. We’ll take that.
I also suspect that most of the corporate CEOs that built that wealth will move in with us since better than 75% of them vote Republican.
You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
You can have the tax revenue. We’ll give the other 1/3 back to the people since they know how to spend it better than your army of bureaucrats.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire
Since our troops will be coming home in a year under President Bush’s plan anyway, that’s fine with us.
You’re also likely impose strict gun control while we a) have a tendency to support regime change b) have a lot of guns. In addition, since most of America’s nuclear arsenal sits in silos in the red states, if we ever decide we want New California back… Well, let’s just say, “Sleep tight!”
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 % of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 % of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 %of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90% of all cheese, 90% of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
You got me there. Let’s just hope that all the Asian students who are attending those schools will let you mow their lawns when they graduate.
While I will miss the pineapple, I think I speak for my red state family when I say we’re ok giving up the wine and stinky cheese. After all, we still have all the Jack Daniels from Tennesee, all the Coors and Budweiser beer products from Colorado and Missouri, most of America’s steak, and all the cigars we can roll with that North Carolina tobacco.
You also seem to forget that a) we will get most of America’s total acreage. We get America’s strategic oil reserve, we get all the oil in Texas and Alaska. With a much smaller population, we’ll have enough energy to last generations. If we run short, we have no problem drilling off the coast of New California since we know we won’t run into you there. Even if we do, like I said, we have all the guns.
That is a shame about the condors. I hear they’re good eatin’.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 % of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
I can live with that.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you. Additionally, 38 % of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61% of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .
Ugh! You get Hollywood? Bummer. You’ve just taken on a huge sector of the economy that creates little of actual value, yet gets paid better than most CEOs. But we’re willing to accept that since you have agreed to permanently dispose of Paris Hilton, Rosie O’Donnell, and Britney Spears. Thanks for taking care of that for us.
In closing, let me simply say thank you again. I think this arrangement will work out beautifully.
It’s not at all certain that Colorado and Virginia would be on the Blue Side.
@kelly_3406
That is to be determined.
Strong argument that Arizona is a red state and New Mexico is blue.
@SlowpokeRodriguez
Pretty funny, Poke
Virginia is not a blue state. At best…NORTHERN Virginia is blue. You can have that.
Virginia was a blue state last presidential election. It has 2 blue senators. It usually has blue governors unless the population goes stupid for a brief period of time and then you get cooch and ultra sound.
Northern virginia is part of Virginia. Virginia, for right now, is a blue state.
They forgot to mention that red states get all the angry people. Bottom line, clearly it would be pleasanter to be a red person living in a blue state than it would be to be a blue person living in a red state.
[sarcasm on] Clearly!! [sarcasm off]
Child support is an issue that touches home with Mrs. NTK and me. I have a suggestion for the many moms, and a few dads, who have struggled without help from a deadbeat ex.
Many years ago Mrs. NTK was married to an abusive piece of s**t. The only good thing to come out of that marriage was my stepson. Despite efforts by the state and the courts he paid little of the child support he owes and is currently paying nothing. Currently, there is a warrant out for his arrest for failure to appear at the last court date.
Here’s the good news. Among the very few things Social Security can be garnished for are child support and alimony payments and arrears. Most parents need the money now, but eventually getting it is better than never. Ensure that the state child support office has attempted to collect. The Social Security administration will want to know that.
The day that the deadbeat ex turns old enough to collect Social Security benefits, even if it’s early, reduced benefits, go down to the Social Security office and claim them. Take your documentation and proof of arrears.
We have a few years to wait, but we’ll be there.
Where is that chart that shows the typical red states recieve more federal funding than blue states? It was fabulous, demonstrating those anti welfare government people actually recieve the largest porportion of help from the federal gov!
Not paying for your children is simply horrible!
Unless you are being soaked so badly that you just give up. Back in the day, before state formulas, I knew of judges who just about stripped (usually males) down to not even having enough to buy gas to get to work. I understand why those men just hung it up. I have known a couple people who were left with barely enough to buy a new pair of shoes.
Alimony, kids, etc. alimony is rarely awarded nowadays.
@Lyssa
Not according to the Blue staters that I meet when they visit the South….and Virginia is still not a blue state….I’ll never accept that. It’s all caused by Northern Virginia. We can secede from NOVA.
@Elena
Take out the military spending and THEN look at the federal funding.
@Cargosquid
All of them or just the ones that talk to you?
http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2012/02/12/us/entitlement-map.html
Forgot to mention – as suggested be SURE to click on Income Support to validate Elena’s claim.
@Lyssa
Not according to the Blue staters that I meet when they visit the South.
They are just sucking up and trying to fit in. They probably have fake Rhett Butler accents too.
Proof that Virginny is RED and that its just a few overpopulated counties that turned it “blue” during the 2008 election.
(hope the link works)
http://www-personal.umich.edu/~mejn/election/2008/countymapredbluer1024.png
Over populated? hmmmmm…that sounds positively hitlerian. The population hubs. I get it.